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What Price Do You Pay After Going Out?
Relationships aren’t just the ones we have with a significant other. There are also relationships that we have with our friends and family. It is difficult to do what others are doing sometimes when our chronic illness gets in the way of us having fun.
This past weekend, I tried to go out and stay out for my boyfriend’s birthday. During the day we had a cookout and a few drinks. By night time, I was ready for bed. I pushed myself by staying out until 10 at night (which is a late night for me) and went home. Everyone else went out to a bar for some more drinks and dancing and I really wish that I went. Even though I gave my body the rest instead, I still was paying for my day of fun the next day (and still today). For me, drinking even one or two drinks makes my body feel the most tired the next day, and when I stay up later I really pay the price.
Even when I go out and stay out a bit later than usual, my body tells me that I need to take it easy. Some of the symptoms I experience are, soreness in my muscles, over all body fatigue and exhaustion, I wake up with a terrible headache (not related to a hangover) and just feel “out of it” all day. This makes it hard to do anything other than rest. It’s hard to get any housework done, difficult to agree to go out the next day and I often find myself having to cancel plans and stay in.
Although going out always seems like a good idea, and I make myself enjoy my life and still participate in the “fun”, it never comes without a price. How does your body react after going out and having fun? What signals does your body send you when it’s time to rest afterwards? What types of “fun” activities make you feel the most exhausted?
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12 Replies
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Yes, I understand this completely. For me it is often the want to “keep up with others”. I would guess that desire goes back to my earliest years when my heart defect kept me from running around with my sisters. It often makes me feel really sad when I have to keep myself home, while they all go off to some adventure. I sometimes feel like that 5 year old girl again. So I try to make the time I stay back rewarding for myself. A nap. A book. A movie on Netflix.
It is difficult, but I am learning how to “let it go” and enjoy what I have. I also try to arrange things to make gatherings or outings better for me. When we travel, we stay at a hotel, not with family. It makes for an enforceable quiet time/bedtime for me. I eat healthier to manage water weight gain. I up my oxygen if I am in higher altitude. I utilize handicapped parking spots and motorized carts when possible. I try to travel to places when the weather is agreeable to my needs, so that I and my family can enjoy the trip.
I have learned, from repeated experience that if I push too hard, I will pay dearly for days. I describe the sensation that I experience when I “hit my wall” as walking in the deep end of the pool. Everything is dull in my head, I forget words, my body is part concrete and breathing is heavy and tight. It used to take me 2 weeks to recover when I overdid it. Now with an effective mix of meds, oxygen 24/7, LOTS of sleep and a better understanding of my limits, I can recover in less than a week.
Sometimes it is worth it.
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Melainie,
I honestly relate to every single thing that you just wrote. I am now learning to do things for myself and enjoy my alone time when my friends, boyfriend, family, go out later on a weekend and I have to stay home. I try to spend as much time with them as possible so I don’t feel too left out, but know that if I push myself it will only make me more miserable and feel more defeated. I have been doing things when I stay in like baking, reading, watching my favorite movies with my mom or a family member who is also staying in for the night. I like company, bu I also like my alone time too and this is a good way for me to get back to enjoying just the company of myself again.I’m glad you are able to think of your travel plans ahead of time and come up with something that fits your needs. I feel like I recover a lot better now that I have learned the hard way of what helps and doesn’t help my body. Extra oxygen, rest, and plenty of water and good nutrition helps me a lot and helps the body to get back to its baseline.
I’m glad you are still able to get out there and do things and that you are using accommodations that work best for you! Others truly will be able to relate to what you’re saying 🙂 Thank you for sharing all of this.
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I’m very fortunate to have a supportive wife. We would go to visit her family and I would always tell her I was fine and we would stay late & then I would drive 3 hours to get home and end up being down for days. We finally talked about it and I started to stay home and she would go but then it came to the point where she wasn’t comfortable with that. There is no spur of the moment things we do anymore everything is planned out. I reserve a motel room and we plan on staying 2 days. That way she can visit family and I can stay at the motel or go along. It’s just not worth the toll it took on my health. I understand how you feel. You don’t want to be defined by your disease because you are much more than that. I feel the same way. I know that you didn’t ask for advice but I have fought my disease for 10 years & the one thing that I learned is that nothing is worth wearing myself out. Being laid up for days after one day of overdoing it just set me back. Talk with your boyfriend and be honest, next time maybe just stay home and enjoy the night more. Personally I get stressed out being out in public in crowds. The last time we were out was at a small venue concert to see my favorite performer. We drove 3 hours to get a motel and took a taxi to the concert and back and spent the rest of the night talking and laughing and when we left at 7am to get home I was rested and didn’t suffer for days. Of course I’m 60 and I enjoy the simple things.
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Hi Jody,
Thank you so much for your response. It definitely was great for me to read everything that you wrote. Honesty and support are so important in a successful relationship. I think that the more our partners know about what is going on (without us trying to hide our health from them and our health needs) the better it will be for both people. I was never one to say what I wanted or needed and I always assumed that my boyfriend should “know what to do” at the beginning of the relationship. I realized though that I need to be honest about how I’m feeling. Because what he (and others) see on the outside when I’m out is not always how I am feeling on the inside. I can push myself to enjoy myself and have a great night, stay out, do what everyone else is doing. But for what price? It makes me stop and think about what is worth the price and what isn’t. The “little things” as you mentioned are more important! Thank you for your kindness and honesty.-
I can so relate to what you both are saying. It’s definitely important to be honest with our partners, but first we have to be honest with ourselves. @jdhoffman when you told your wife you were fine, I’d guess you weren’t trying to lie to her, and instead that you were trying to convince yourself at the same time.
I learned to push aside my symptoms in order to survive. If I let myself truly feel all the stomach pain, shortness of breath, etc, I would have had to stay in bed all day. Instead, I pushed through it so I could live my life. This coping mechanism is a double-edged sword. When I was recovering from my transplant I realized I needed to really listen to what my body was telling me. In the ICU I kept telling my nurse my pain was only a 1 or 2 until I learned they wouldn’t give me medication unless it was above a 3. I knew I could tolerate the pain because I’d tolerated much worse, but fighting through the pain was taking a toll on my body and new heart and lungs. I needed the pain meds. I had to adjust my own mental pain scale to fit theirs.
My parents helped me do this. When I was out of the hospital, they would ask me twice if I thought I should take some Tylenol. “I’m fine,” I’d say. They’d ask again. “Okay, yeah I probably should,” I’d say, noticing my breathing was strained by the pain.
I had to teach my partner about this side of me. He has learned to ask twice and call me out when I’m clearly not listening to my body. When I’m actually fine, I’ll be clear that I don’t need to go home. It sounds like you are both working toward having a system like this and your partners are developing a deeper understanding of your limitations. As long as you are both working toward a common goal of mutual enjoyment of life, you’re golden. There are lots of different ways to achieve that. For better or worse, achieving that goal often doesn’t involve doing everything together all the time.
Hugs.
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Wow @kathleen-sheffer honestly your words truly are exactly how I feel and I am so glad I read what you wrote. This part especially, ” learned to push aside my symptoms in order to survive. If I let myself truly feel all the stomach pain, shortness of breath, etc, I would have had to stay in bed all day.” – I can’t tell you how many times I have said this to my therapist trying to explain to her why I make light of things that I shouldn’t and why I try to ignore my symptoms when they are bad. I have literally said these exact words to her, “if I acknowledged it, I would be in bed all day not moving.” Our bodies have a breaking point unfortunately and our minds do too. I learned this the hard way. When I started to actually listen to my body and feel what it wanted me to feel, my mental health started suffering and it caused me a ton of anxiety from all the years of pushing everything aside and trying to be the “brave girl” everyone thought I was. Now I am just as brave, but am okay with telling myself and others when I’m not okay. I truly appreciate your honesty with this and it really hit the nail on the head for me!
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One thing I didn’t mention is that this is the 10th year since I was diagnosed with a terminal lung disease and now type 3 PH on top of it. When first diagnosed they didn’t even know how to treat me & we were on our own in figuring out what worked or didn’t and what could suddenly cause a flareup. It was a learning curve for us and my doctors. Now we plan when we go anywhere. My wife refuses to go anywhere without me for more than a couple hours & with good reason. The last time I stayed home because I didn’t feel good she got home to find out I had pneumonia and a 103 temp. I didn’t feel that sick when I woke up and I had no fever just a little cough and felt tired otherwise I felt fine maybe a cold we both thought. Now I don’t push it and with a little planning we manage quite well.
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Jody,
I am glad the two of you have a good system going when it comes to your health and doing what is best for you. It sure takes an army of support to make sure we are getting the best care and she sounds like a great person to have on your side ! I’m so glad you have that with each other 🙂 It’s hard to just “learn as you go” especially when it comes to an illness, finding someone who is willing to “learn” with you is half the battle.
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Great topic!
I, too pay the price for the fun stuff.just this weekend, I had a nice day out but paying for it now , as this is the second day, I’ve been grounded on the bed and couch with the O2!
I, also relate to the thought of going out sounds fun, but usually by the time it’s time to get dressed and go, I’m not feeling it! I’ve often even rested ahead of time and that may or may not help.i have always been a people person, so I think this has been one of the toughest things to accept .I used to drink quite a bit, but in the last few years, one drink makes me feel awful, so I’ll only steal a sip or two here and there. I don’t even seem to have the taste for it most days. Although, I know many PH Docs are against drinking.
As far as being honest with our significant others, my hubby most often can read me after dealing with PH, 13+ years now, but I often , respond to him and other family by saying No , “ I’m ok” or “ I’m alright”, it’s not like I lie, it’s just I don’t want them to worry and I also try to think of myself as not being as sick as I am. I have been better now, as I realizes I have to first, be honest with myself, and also weigh the consequences of various social activities before I even go. I think the toughest part is even after this long, even planned activities may have to be missed . PH is definitely not predictable and likes to throw us for a loop at times.
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Jen,
This is all too true for me too ! I always feel so bad about cancelling plans or not being able to do something last minute. Luckily I have friends in my life who truly understand and at least can offer sympathy and not be upset when I can’t make it or if my PH or other conditions start acting up at the worst times. Pacing myself has been really important if I want to enjoy a night out. I have always been one to just go go go go all the time, but PH has taught me that I can’t do that anymore. It’s hard to not have that part of the “old me” but that part of me also wore me OUT a LOT !!! I have to save my energy for things that I really want to do even if I have to pay the price after, sometimes it is worth it!
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What a wonderful and oh so very necessary discussion.
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Thank you Vanessa,
it’s good to be talking about topics like this with the ones who “get it” on a personal level. Have you had any recent experiences with going out and then your body paying the price for it the next day (or even week). Sometimes it can mean that I have to rest most of the week to get back to baseline !
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