PH Caregivers, Family Members & Spouses

[Colleen Steele]

As a caregiver you hopefully know how much you are appreciated and relied upon by your loved one. My son always makes a point of thanking me and making it known that he completely trusts me to be his voice when needed. But there have been times when I have questioned myself whether I handled things in the best way. There have been many nights when I have been awake wondering, “What am I doing wrong or what can I do better?” What I know more than anything is that I never want to fail him. He knows this and we have discussed it many times, but the insecurities are often still there.

One particular time I know I failed him. Even as a young child my son wanted me to be honest with him about everything. Feeling like a secret was being kept stressed him out more than directly being told what was being discussed between myself and his medical team. He had a Cancer scare after transplant. It was suggested that I not tell him until his doctor was certain of his newest battle. (Keep in mind he was still a minor.) I struggled with the decision but I held off on telling him because he was still healing from surgery and I didn’t want to add unnecessary pain. He sensed something was wrong. He turned off the TV, looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I was hiding something. Finding out that he did NOT have Cancer was a huge relief but the reality that I didn’t keep him in the loop from the beginning definitely lingered between us for a while.

What are your insecurities as a caregiver? Do you worry about what you might be doing wrong? Have you had an experience like mine when you know you made a mistake and if so, how did you deal with it?

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