When PH causes me conflicting emotions, acceptance is key

In addition to physical challenges, living with a complex condition like pulmonary hypertension (PH) also means fighting mental and emotional battles. I constantly feel a push and pull between frustration and gratitude. But these are moments that can teach me a lot about myself and the people I love.

My daughter just moved into a beautiful building in a vibrant, bustling neighborhood. I’m excited for her, but I’m also frustrated that I can’t physically do more to help her settle in. On the other hand, I’m immensely grateful that I’m alive and able to witness this exciting new chapter in her life.

It feels like a tug-of-war in my mind. On one side, a nagging voice tells me I’m not doing enough. On the other, a calm, reassuring voice reminds me that being present is what truly matters. A grateful heart shifts the focus to what I can do, such as simple things like sitting with her, unpacking boxes, and putting stuff away. That’s enough for her, and when I think about it, it’s enough for me, too.

There are moments, however, when these inner battles get the best of me. But I remind myself that this is an exciting time for her, and I want to be here to share it with her the best way I can. Maybe I can’t climb the stairs to the rooftop deck right now, but I did enjoy the photos she and her friends shared with me. It was a very thoughtful gesture.

Recommended Reading

January 8, 2021 Columns by Brittany Foster

After Each Medical Setback, a Greater Comeback Begins

With over two decades of managing my PH, I continue to battle these demons. So I try to acknowledge them when they creep in and allow myself to feel my emotions. I can allow those emotions to just be present without acting on them.

Life is about showing up. It’s about being present, even if it looks different from what I had imagined. Living with a rare disease and coexisting conditions has taught me that breathing, being present, and sharing special moments are gifts.

For anyone else navigating similar feelings, know that it’s OK to feel frustrated when you can’t do everything you’d like. The truth is that the people who love you cherish the time you spend with them, no matter what that might look like. Presence is the most valuable gift we can give, and it’s simply enough.

Do you struggle with similar feelings of both frustration and gratitude while living with PH? What do you find most helpful? I’d love to read your thoughts in the comments below. 

Note: Pulmonary Hypertension News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Pulmonary Hypertension News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to pulmonary hypertension.