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Does Your Caregiver Pick On You?
My spouse is my caregiver. There are days when he’s just great and other days he’s verbally nasty. I know I take a lot of care: helping with dressing and undressing, cooking and cleaning. We have a weekly house cleaner. Both of us go to the gym–him to exercise room and me to the therapy pool for my exercising kicking and walking for an hour. He again, has to help get me in my suit and back out of it. Then dress, etc. UGH! I have a shoulder which needs replacing, but being on O2, the anathesiologist wont. So I cant use my dominate arm much. We don’t have long term health insurance to cover help and we just dont have an additional $30,000 to pay for one. I found a friend who let me hire her for a few hours to straighten all my messes every Wednesday. She cooks with my hubby and they make dinner for 2 nights. I am a sues check and chop/slice. We have gas and hubby wont let us change to an electric stove so I could help cook without blowing up the kitchen with my O2. The virus keeps me home a lot more than normal—I went out with friends for lunch, shopping and movies several days a week. Now I have 2 friends come in for bridge on Tuesdays, my helper every other Wednesday and the other Wednesdays just for dinner, I go off for lunch with friends every other Thursday and we go off with a Friend on every other Friday. This new schedule should keep him from picking on me. But, do others have problems like mine?
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6 Replies
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Jen Cueva replied a day ago
Hi @annefox, I am sorry to hear of the issues that you and your husband are having. I do know that at times caregivers can struggle with burnout. I am sure that he is not intending to be nasty. Is he getting away to take breaks for himself at all? I am grateful that y’all can go to the gym together. But, it sounds like that trip takes a toll on both of you.
I am sorry to hear that you cannot afford help. Does your community offer any assistance? Do you have a case manager that may be of help? I am sure that the few hours that you have your friend help is a bit of relief. I hope that things will improve as this is such a huge issue that many struggles with. I hope that you will find some help within your local community like non-profits. Hugs to you from Texas. -
anne replied 21 hours ago
after my hubby goes for a few days of nastiness, he gets over it…..he says he does know he’s not being nice. I remind him that I don’t deserve whatever he’s saying. He goes about a week or 10 days of nice. When we are able to see other people, he’s nice. Our gym is for us every other day and then the rest of the week I drive myself and use my scooter to get to the therapy pool. Since it’s summer, I can go to and from in my swimming suit. Once winter comes, I might need his help to dress and undress. When the virus wasn’t on, I could find women in the locker room to help me with my bra, tops and shoes. No problem. But now I’m worse with lack of use of my arm and cant quite tug enough to get the swimming suits off and on—and yes, I bought a bigger size, but still need the tugging help.
Once we are all vaccinated, I have a friend who will go with me to the pool several times a week and act as my helper. We’ve been on cruises together, so she’s used to helping me. I stay in my night gown all the time so my hubby wont have to dress me except for the poolYou have to be low income for non-profits and government help. I am paying my friend $50 for 3 hours of help. About the same as the agencies pay their staff. Paul, my hubby, doesn’t want us to get a live-in to help or others he doesn’t know. I’m hoping having lots of things to do each week might help him. ”
He stays in his study most of the day. I stay in the breakfast room or on the porch. We dont see each other more than a couple of hours each day. I watch TV at night and he goes upstairs to read and go to bed early. We have 2 cats and a dog we both love and they need a lot of stroking from both of us.
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@annefox I am so sorry for both of you. No, you don’t deserve to be treated poorly and it’s good that you speak up for yourself when you need to. Your husband probably feels awful when he shows lack of patience and understanding. It does sound like perhaps he experiences burn-out but is it possible it’s worry getting the best of him too? I’m sure he loves you and worries about you. People handle concern (or don’t) in different ways.
@Jen offered some good suggestions. I’m sharing a few PH Association links that your husband might find useful. They have a caregiver page that offers advice and a link to respite program. Maybe there is one near you?
https://phassociation.org/caregivers/
AND….
https://archrespite.org/ta-center-for-respite/state-lifespan-respite-programs
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Hi, Anne, my heart breaks for you and your husband. Like I said earlier, I am guessing that he is experiencing a bit of caregiver burnout. That certainly does not mean that it is OK to be “nasty” to you. I am hopeful that y’all can find some support with the advice and tips that @colleensteele and I both shared.
@colleensteele has shared some important links that may be helpful. I also found these websites that may be more helpful on a local level, for you and your husband.
Kudos for posting this as a new topic!
https://aging.maryland.gov/Pages/national-family-caregiver-support.aspx
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Hi, Anne, my heart breaks for you and your husband. Like I said earlier, I am guessing that he is experiencing a bit of caregiver burnout. That certainly does not mean that it is OK to be “nasty” to you. I am hopeful that y’all can find some support with the advice and tips that @colleensteele and I both shared.
@colleensteele has shared some important links that may be helpful. I also found these websites that may be more helpful on a local level, for you and your husband.
Kudos for posting this as a new topic!
https://aging.maryland.gov/Pages/national-family-caregiver-support.aspx
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I think this is an important topic to re-visit. How is your patient / caregiver relationship holding up these days? Any issues?
Do you ever feel picked on by your caregiver, even if they have good intentions?
Share your experience.
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