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Update on Tracey
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@traceyaustralianmigration-co-za I hope you didn’t feel pressured to post. It’s just that when we don’t hear from active members for a while we get concerned. I followed your posts on FB, I think it was in December and then you went quiet there too. Not that I’m stalking you…it’s just that I noticed and got worried. Left you alone for a while because I understand that sometimes people just need time to themselves.
You are always welcome to vent here. We might not always have solid advice but there is no limit to our understanding and compassion.
I do believe that patients who have experienced the type of things you mentioned do experience PTSD. Except I read an article somewhere that PTSD isn’t really the correct term because when you are living with a life-threatening illness there isn’t anything post about the trauma. It doesn’t go away and that makes it so much worse.
A sense of humor can be the best medicine but more harmful than helpful if it’s used to cover up other emotions that really need to come out. I’m so sorry that you aren’t up to joking around these days but the fact that you are acknowledging just how hard things are for you, I think shows just how strong you are too.
It takes strength face physical and emotional challenges and it sounds to me like you are managing. You manage to set realistic goals for yourself every day and not push yourself beyond your capabilities. You recognize the differences between yourself and your sister and as frustrating as it is, you don’t waste your precious breath arguing with her. It sounds like maybe you are doing more caregiving for her than she is for you. Do you at least enjoy her company? Can you watch TV together or maybe play cards or something?
With what little energy you have at the end of the day you are still a responsible person who takes care of her pets and the safety of everyone under your roof by locking up the house. You might not be able to work full-time but the fact that you manage to work at all is amazing to me.
Yes, you do have limitations but from my perspective you are still a strong person who contributes a lot to this world. We appreciate you here, that’s for certain. We noticed you weren’t posting because when you do it is always informative, compassionate and yes, sometimes funny. We missed you.
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Hi @traceyaustralianmigration-co-za, I am so happy to see your post. We miss you when you disappear for some time and of course, then we worry.
You are welcome to vent here anytime; that is what we are here for. We support each other.
I am sorry for your trauma and stress. Being in the hospital ICU with COVID is still a nightmare in my head. I am still recovering as I deal with SOB, and easily fatigued. Like you, I often have to rest in the afternoons.
I am sorry that your sister is not helping as much as she says. Like Colleen mentions, you sound like you are helping her. I hope that she is appreciative.
You are strong and funny, too. I know when you are not joking, something is up.
It sounds like your business partner’s lack of knowledge is not helping. Even though you say he is aware of your medical issues. I hope that you remind yourself each day of all of the little things that you do. This adds up.
Sadly, I have a few family members who think the same. If I am not in the hospital, I am fine. It is frustrating. I am writing a column for next week that you would probably enjoy.
I am sending you hugs and prayers from Texas.
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@colleensteele I don’t mind if you want to stalk me….its pretty boring, but you’re welcome to ????. It might add to my street cred if I can say I’ve got a stalker!
@jenc I read your article I think the week before last and oh my goodness you’ve been through the wringer with COVID. I’m so glad that you made it through and I pray that you keep on getting better. It is such a cruel illness and must have been terrifying to go through. But you’re one of us and clearly very strong.
I also saw your article on the ebike…oh my word I want one. I can just see myself tearing up the streets of my little village with the dogs running alongside. What a feeling of freedom and normality that would be.
Thanks for always being supportive, I often wish I could just pop over for a cup of coffee to talk to two warriors who understand what my life is like. @colleensteele I count you as a warrior because I can’t imagine having to go through what you’ve been through with Cullen. One though mama.
I’ve started doing some work with a pulmonary rehab physio so hopefully I’m going to get some of my strength back – its a lot of breathing exercises and exercises to strengthen my muscles
So I find my days are filled with rehab, doggos, sleep and a bit of work. Oh and cooking, I love cooking when I can stand up for long enough.
I’ll post some pics of Enzo on FB – he was so funny tonight he has been playing hard all day and just collapsed on the couch mid play with toy in mouth.
Speaking of sleep its time for me to hit the hay. -
LOL @traceyaustralianmigration-co-za! Ok, I’m officially your stalker, especially if you keep posting adorable pet pictures. Enzo is adorable!
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Oh, @traceyaustralianmigration-co-za, you are so very kind. Your words mean a ton. I am happy to be getting back one day at a time. As far as my E-bike, I am ready to get back on it, hoping by the end of this month. We shall see. They also have some you can add little baskets on to carry your fur babies, lol.
BTW, I loved that pic of Enzo; so cute, he was tuckered out!
I hope that your pulmonary rehab helps. When I went after I was first diagnosed, I would come home and crash after my sessions. My PH team said that was OK, lol.
I appreciate you so much. I am happy that you updated us. I am not on FB as often as here, lol. I love that Colleen is your official stalker, hehe.
Big hugs from Texas-
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Hi Guys,
I’m feeling so incredibly frustrated and I know that this frustration is going to boil into anger and an ugly scene if I’m not careful. I have to deal with the situation with my sister and honestly I’m not sure how – she takes offense so easily that I can’t just say to her, this is what’s not working and this is what I need, without her going off pop.
She just does not take my needs into consideration in the slightest and I really just feel as if she’s using me for free accommodation, a salary and food. She is so not mindfull that I’m struggling to believe that her intentions are anything but selfish.
I guess I do have to provide the background here, our relationship has never been very good. She is 6 years older than me and from.the age of 12 she has just not been a part of my life in any meaningful way. My father thought the sun shone out of her and bailed her out until the day he died – she could do no wrong in his eyes.
When my dad died in 2005 my mom fell to pieces and arrived on my doorstep one day aking if she could move in with me. I had barely just got my own life established and had just bought myself an apartment, but I loved my mother so dearly that I could not say no to her. My sister at that stage was living with me (because for the countless time she had lost her job), so she moved out into my mom’s apartment and my mom moved into my apartment. For almost 2 years my mother continued paying the rent and utilities for my sisters apartment until her money ran out. Then my sister moved to the village we now live in. I had just been diagnosed with Lupus when this all happened.
When my mom had been living with me for 5 years she fell and broke her hip – it was one of the most devastating days of our lives. The doctor who replaced her hip botched it and after 5 months she was not able to walk yet. I took her for second opinions and she had to undergo another surgery to take out the prosthetic and correctly fit another. For months we battled to get her walking and I had a physio come to the house every day to try and get her on her feet. Eventually they told me that her inability to walk was probably psychological but to take her to a neurologist. I’m glad I did because she was diagnosed with Parkinsons which the doc said had probably been pushed into overdrive by the trauma she had suffered. Long and short, my mom was never able to walk again. She became more and more frail and needed 24/7 care, she literally could do nothing without assistance.
In South Africa we don’t have government assistance nor does health insurance provide carers. I was lucky that I was able to work at home a lot (but the business was just starting and we were so cash strapped) and I looked after her full time in addition to my “real” job. After about 2 years of doing that I just couldn’t carry on, I was too exhausted myself. I had no choice but to employ round the clock caregivers. I begged and borrowed, but I made darn sure my mom was taken care of – it literally drove me to the brink of bankruptcy. There were times that I was so desperate I would phone my sister sobbing asking her to please help me. She didn’t, in fact during all that time I think she visited my mom 3 times. The last year of my mom’s life was horrible for her and I spent more time sleeping next to her than I did in my own bed. I remember phoning my sister and she told me to phone her when I knew for certain my mom was going to die. Huh??? How the heck was i supposed to know that! Well as it turned out I was able to tell her 3 days before my mom passed that she needed to get home. Of course she arrived for the drama (she loves drama) and tried to take over. But my mom had the last word – on 14 November 2017 she decided to wait until she and I were alone and while i was holding her hand her soul moved through me (I literally physically felt it) and she passed on. My mom always said she didn’t want a funeral, that it is just a massive waste of money – so I was grateful that I didn’t have to go through the charade of extended family members showing up when they’d done nothing to help while she was alive, it would have been hypocrisy in the extreme. I knew I couldn’t face these people without showing contempt for them, my mom was so confused about why her daughter, neices and nephews, and sisters-in-law never visited and I would have just been rude.
The day my mom died was the saddest day of my life, but at the same time I was so grateful to her for giving me the privilege of having the amazing experience of feeling her soul. I’ve never really believed in religion but I sure believe in spirituality now. I miss her desperately most of the time, but I know her soul is with me – I feel her often when I’m in the kitchen cooking.
I didn’t want to carry on living in the apartment so called an estate agent and turns out, I had bought in a sort of popular area at a dip in the property market and now the areas was considered one of the best places to live and the market was on a high. I decided to sell and made 10x my investment so then I really started reassessing things and realized that I didn’t want to live in Johannesburg anymore surrounded by self indulgent, entitled people. I also realized that its just me and my sister now, so made the decision to try and repair our relationship.. By May 2018 I had moved lock, stock and barrel to beautiful Dullstroom. I was warned by my therapist and many a friend that I was making a mistake thinking I could ever have a close relationship with my sister. I ignored them all. In April 2019 I was able to buy my dream home and I was able to adopt my beautiful Meg girl. I didn’t see my sister more than once a month and she did nothing to help me integrate into Dullstroom, but that’s OK I managed fine on my own, and I have loved every minute of living here.
Then came 18 October 2019 when I was making an overnight trip to Johannesburg for IV treatment for my Lupus and things went pear-shaped. I went into respitory distress and heart failure and my overnight trip turned into 13 days in hospital and a tentative diagnosis of PH. The doc did a RHC in November to confirm and of course my sister was front and center because she could be there for something dramatic and show off to doctors. Funny that every other time I was in hospital after that it was my very good friend Greg who was with me. He talked to doctors and found out information that I was just too sick to even take in. He has been a real gem. During that time my sister would accuse me of not trying hard enough to get better and would demand that I give her timelines as to how I was going to progress so that she could plan. She basically wants me to provide her with an expiration date. We had some pretty humdinger arguments.
Then I think my sister realized that I’d made money on my apartment and the disability insurance I had, and my business through my wonderful team is doing really well.
It then became very evident that she was about to lose her job again, and she told me that her boyfriend person (she calls him her husband though they’re not married and see each other sporadically) had said she couldn’t move to his farm. Then she started to ingratiate herself to me and convinced herself that I need help and she would be the best person to provide that help by moving into my house, but made it clear she couldn’t pay rent or afford food etc. I was doing just fine with the support system I had in place with people who care, but she’s my sister so she moved in.
It has really been extremely difficult and frustrating over the last few months. I’ll just give you an idea of this week. Sunday she came home from the farm where she had spent the weekend and Hannan and Marco took care of me and the dogs. All day Monday she told me that we have to make a plan to get someone to care for me when the kids go back to university, because she does have a husband she needs to spend time with and she needs a break at least every weekend, from what I’m not sure since i cook, and have a cleaning lady, and all she does is play with the dogs. Tuesday she insists on being present during physio sessions so that she can tell the physio that she’s making sure I’m doing my exercise. She is not, she keeps telling me she doesn’t think the physio should be pushing and that I should take it easy on the exercises. Later that evening we had the animal behaviorist who is trying to get her to understand how to deal with dogs (she’s never had one, i only got after.she moved out of my parents home) so I’m spending all this money on trying to make her more.comfy with the dogs. But she doesn’t take any of the advice or put into practice any of the tips given and just confuses the dogs. So Wednesday the dogs jumped up on her and she went on about how badly behaved my dogs are, so I said I’m trying but she doesn’t want to cooperate and be part of the solution. She flew off the handle and screamed at.me that she doesn’t need to live like this and she’s got better things to do, then stormed off in my car and only came back after I’d gone to bed. This meant feeding dogs on my own which I have told her repeatedly is difficult for me because it involves repeated bending over.
Thursday night she went out for drinks and again I was left to feed dogs and get them inside. Friday night we were watching a program called First Date which basically is show of people going to a restaurant for a first date. There was a woman on there who,.when her date went to the bathroom, told the camera she has bone cancer and she doesn’t know how to tell her date – she doesn’t want pity but he should know. She said that the inability to plan and the not knowing are the worst part – she’d been told 3 to 5 years and it’s difficult to know your time is so limited. It made me very emotional because I really felt for her and when she was telling her date I was crying at her courage. My sister told me not to be ridiculous I’m not in the same position. Roll on a peaceful Saturday. Today she said she was going out at lunch time and she’d be back to feed the dogs, well at 6pm she sent me a message to say she and her sort of partner were going to get pizza. Feeding time 7 and no sign of them so it was up to me again. Then when they arrived back I called the dogs im before they opened the gates. Enzo managed to get a sliding door open and I had just managed to get them back on the patio when idiot partner started honking horn with the gate open so the dogs bolted again right out into the wetland. I have said repeatedly that they must please not use the horn it just over excites the babies. Then he comes into my house and doesn’t even greet me, turns on my kettle, uses my coffee and starts calling my dogs imbeciles and a variety of expletives. I wanted to punch him. And my sister stands by. Then just like that they disappeared into my sisters room leaving me to get dogs in and lockup. If she would just tell me that she’s not committed I can make sure I ask other people.to help beforehand.
I have told.her often this week that the dizziness and lightheadedness is getting worse.and there have been a number of times this week I’ve been sure I was going to pass out. Today I had to grab onto the fridge to stop from falling and then my arms started twitching and violently jerking so it became a bit difficult to hang on.
I know that something is not right, and I know that its not a good idea to be alone but I’m feeling out of options here. I know that if I bring up any of this with her there will be an explosion of note. She likes me being sick so she can get the sympathy vote, but it must be done on her terms.
I know how hard it is to be a caregiver.and trust me I don’t expect her not to have a life but honestly this village is so small – the pub they went to this afternoon literally diagonally across from me and the pizza place 2 minutes away. Could she not have just popped in to feed the dogs when going from one to the other, but that idea would never occur to her. She never preempts what I need and I’m tired of asking for the same things over and over again.
I feel disloyal and even a bit bitchy talking like this but I need it to change because I’m struggling physically and I need to know I’ve got committed help.
Wow, you made it to this point, can’t believe you read all that. But thanks.-
@traceyaustralianmigration-co-za I’m in no place to tell you what to do but I will share my thoughts/suggestions based on what you shared. To put it mildly, your sister sounds toxic. I get the feeling she actually needs you more than you need her. If that is the case than I suggest setting ground rules that she has no choice but to follow, or else get out. 1) She needs to make better effort with your dogs. 2) Hold on to your car keys and provide them with expectations and rules. 3) You know your body better than she does. If she can’t provide the help you need with the respect you deserve than tell her you don’t want it. 4) If you don’t want her help then tell her in that case she isn’t providing any service and needs to start contributing to the finances. 5) I don’t think her “husband” should be welcomed in your home or even beyond your gate since he can’t follow instructions. I found that situation really concerning.
Tracey, I know she is family and you have such a kind heart but sweetie, you need to make yourself the priority. It’s literally a matter of life or death for you. If your sister is costing you money and not helping in return then maybe you would be better off hiring a caregiver. If it’s important to you, allow your sister to stay but with ground rules and expectations. If you hire a caregiver than tell her she now has time to go out and look for a job and you expect her to do that.
I’m sure all of this is easier said than done. If anything I offer you my sympathy and concern. I will keep the situation in my prayers. I’m so sorry you have been placed in this position on top of your health problems.
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Oh no, @traceyaustralianmigration-co-za, my heart aches for and with you. If you had a chance to read my column a few weeks back, I had to stop communicating with my toxic sisters and energy vampires. I allowed them to treat me in all ways until this last hospitalization. My therapist offered, like @colleensteele, that it is OK, many biological families do not get along, and that was OK. It is still ongoing progress for me.
But, that so-called “husband” I would not allow in my home. I think that you either tell her to go elsewhere or set boundaries and stick with them.
Your top priority is your health, and this is included physical and emotional health.
Whatever you do, remember we are here to support you along the way. I am sending big love, hugs, and prayers your way, Tracey.
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Hello Tracy, You are in a state that is emotionally and physically not just unhealthy but you are putting yourself in danger.
I absolutely agree with all of Colleen’s points.I believe you know what you need to do and I believe you are strong enough to move ahead. Look what you have accomplished – took care of your mother, worked full time running your own business, sold and bought your homes, make arrangements to have support and the list goes on.
Tracy you do know what you need to do and you can do it. It is NOT easy, but you have and still do cope and deal with what isn’t easy.
I am sending you all positive energy and love. You are in my prayers and thoughts wishing you a very positive outcome. ❤
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